It always goes back to the gospel...

Can I be honest for a minute?

The last fourteen days have been the hardest since I have been here.
Things happened that I didn't understand, and didn't think I could deal with.
I miss my home.
I miss my mommy, my daddy, and my sisters.
I want cold weather.
I want hazelnut coffee from Panera.
I want to wear scarves.
I want to see my best friends at Christmas break.
I wanted to change my flight home to next week.
I wanted to cry, and still do at certain times.
I was a mess.

I have been in the process of making some hard decisions. And if you know me, I have never been good at making decisions. I let them consume me, and take away from my here and now. I was starting to let the logistics of my decision making overwhelm me. Does God want me to choose this or this? Will He be angry with me if I choose the wrong one? What if I don't know what God wants me to do? What if I regret the decision I make?

I couldn't sleep because of these voices asking these questions in my head, over and over again. It was getting unhealthy. I was obsessing. I admit, this is my flaw. I let decisions consume me. I forget that God is on my side. He isn't against me.

I had a conversation with a close friend here in Uganda, who I am eternally grateful for. This is what God revealed to me through this conversation.

It always goes back to the gospel...

Our God loves me. Think of God in comparison to your earthly father. My earthly father wants what is best for me, he wants me to succeed but he also wants me to be happy. He doesn't want my gut to be in turmoil over decisions for the future. (right dad?) The same goes for our heavenly father. Except on a scale that is beyond my comprehension. He wants me to be at peace. He wants what is best for me. He wants all of this for me. But I must continue to seek Him, day in, and day out. My ultimate focus is in my relationship with Him. 

This reality made making decisions seem so silly. No matter when I decide to go home, as long as I am not denying a clear answer He is giving me, if it makes me feel at peace, and I am glorifying Him in that decision, no matter where I am, God will bless it.  I still doubt these truths, but that's the devil. I often forget there is such spiritual warfare. The devil wants me to feel insecure, to second guess God. God is a loving God. 

So, you know what I did yesterday? I wrote the very thing that has been making me go crazy, down on a piece of paper. "My flight home." And I burned it. I wanted it to be gone. I wanted to finally surrender it over to God. He will work for the good of those who love Him. So I surrendered my situation, and now what do I do? I love Him. I stay faithful to what I do know right now. I know why I am here. I am here to serve these children, to love them, to laugh with and sometimes at them. :) I am here to become more like Christ by strengthening my relationship with Him. I am here to love like Jesus loved and loves me. 

After burning that piece of paper, I had the best day I have had yet in Uganda. Nothing special happened. I was just at peace. I was able to be joyful instead of bitter. I was able to laugh with all of the kids. I was able to love them. My situation hasn't been solved, but in a way it has. My loving father took it from me, took that burden away from me, and I have no reason to worry. He knows what is best for me. And, His timing is perfect.

So now I am here. I am present. Being faithful to what I know now. These awesomely hilarious and joyful faces! 

And so many more!