Home

The bathroom door clanging while someone in the room gets up to use the restroom, crying babies and the familiar quirky sounds of each individual child,  a tickling feeling on my arm from the tiny ants that you can never seem to get rid of, the musty smell of my socks drying above my head on my mosquito net. These are the typical things I hear, feel, and smell on a morning here in Uganda. Some days, I am frustrated by it. But most days it brings a smile to my face. These different things, little and big, have started shaping my home here. The constantly wet kitchen floor (from water or pee, you'll never know), the blazing hot metal gate that often burns your hand, the slippery ramp to get up and down from the porch, the shower that sometimes doesn't do it's job when you most need it to, the constant voices yelling  "auntie, auntie, I want to go fo wulk!" or "auntie, you go where?" or "auntie, he beat me!" are all beautiful things that are shaping my Ugandan home. 

It hit me a few days ago. How in the world am I going to leave this place? What will it feel like to be back in the same house  I've lived in for so many years in Asheville, North Carolina? And my biggest fear: Will it even feel like home?

I started to panic. I don't want to go home and not feel at home. I don't want to feel out of my skin. I don't want to feel out of place. I promptly emailed my sister. Seeking comfort and advice. How was  I to deal with the fear of going home? I hadn't thought about it before this, only how nice it would be to see my mom and have a nice shower. Not what it would feel like after the first day home. So, I ran to my big sissy for advice (what every wise young girl does, duh). I'll be honest, at first I was frustrated by her answer, I wanted an easy way out or something along those lines. But, this is what she wrote:

"Honestly it won't feel like home. You will probably be brought to tears everyday for a month after you're back. You will miss Africa, just as you miss home now. It will be hard. I was talking to someone last night who lived in Africa for a while. She was saying that once she came back it was actually like she didn't belong to a culture anymore. It was her own culture. She didn't fit into this culture here anymore, but she wasn't really a complete part of the culture in Africa either. She said she would never belong to one culture anymore. And that is how you will feel. But what a blessing! The Lord has allowed you to see and experience things no one else (in the world!) gets to. He sent you there so both places would be your home. And maybe one day another place will be. "For we know that if the tent that is our earthly home is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens. For in this tent we groan, longing to put on our heavenly dwelling, if indeed by putting it on we may not be found naked. For while we are still in this tent, we groan, being burdened--not that we would be unclothed, but that we would be further clothed, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life. He who has prepared us this very thing is God, who has given us the Spirit as a guarantee." 2 Corinthians 5:1-5. This body, this earth, they are not our home! :) so no matter where you are...you aren't home. Remember that!" (I mean come on people, is that not the best big sisterly advice you could get, she's awesome.) anywhooo...

HOW BEAUTIFUL IS THAT?

No where on this earth is my home. No where.

The desperation i felt for the Lord at the beginning of this month, when everything seemed to be falling apart, was not fun to feel. But I have realized, now that things are much better, and I am finding more and more joy here everyday that I miss the desperation. I miss that. As hard as it was, I found what it truly was to cling to our Savior. Is it bad to say it sort of scares me that things are so great right now? I continue to rejoice everyday and seek the God who was and still is so good to me when I don't deserve it.

So, along with the reassurance that no where on the earth is my home, I also can look forward to a time when I clinging to our God will be the only answer. It might be hard, but who am I to doubt that the God who has turned so much hurt into so much joy in the last month, could bring me through a feeling of being out of place? 

And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God.And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified.

Romans 8:28