Only You!

"Only you, you completely satisfy!"

I have been so overwhelmed with feelings of how helpless I am on my own. Some days I am a mess. Some days, I don't know how I will get out of bed because of exhaustion, and face another day. God is constantly humbling me. I almost can't even put into words how God is showing me that without Him, I am nothing. I have to admit, it's not something I learned the easy way. Person after person, stripped away from my life in just two weeks. I looked to people to give me comfort. I looked to movies to distract myself. I looked to staying busy to keep my mind off of the hurt. I looked to the kids to bring me joy. I still spent time with the Lord, but with a distracted mind, not fully focusing on Him and His word, or even trying to grow from it. I couldn't figure out why I felt so incomplete. As much as I wanted to say I was, I wasn't trusting in the Lord. 

Wednesday nights I go to a bible study at a friend's house. This past Wednesday we started in Revelation. We were in chapter one. In chapter one, Jesus presents himself to John. It describes what Jesus looked like, what were in His hands; it compared his voice to loud trumpets, and roaring waters. If you really think about it, that had to be frightening to hear and to see. It says that after John turned around to see Jesus, he fell, "as though dead." He was in complete shock at what he saw before him, I mean I can't even imagine! BUT, you know what Jesus' first words were after John fell to the ground? The most amazing command in all of the bible (if you ask me at least!) He said..

"Fear Not!"

Ah! I just love that. It's the most common command in the bible. There are so many places when God says, "Fear not!" or, "Do not be afraid!" I can't help but smile at this. 

• "When I saw him, I fell at his feet as though dead. But he laid his right hand on me, saying, "Fear not, I am the first and the last..." - Revelation 1:17
• "And the angel said to her, "Do not be afraid, Mary, for you have found favor with God." -Luke 1:30
• "And the angel said to them, "Fear not, for behold, I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people." -Luke 2:10 
• "Then he said to me, "Fear not, Daniel, for from the first day that you set your heart to understand and humbled yourself before your God, your words have been heard, and I have come because of your words." -Daniel 10:12

I have continued to discover over and over again different places in the bible that have this command. And I have also realized, it is the hardest command to obey. It truly is. It has brought into light the many times in the last two weeks that I have doubted God. That I have been in fear. 

So why have I been doubting God? Why didn't I feel like I could trust the God of everything and everyone? These questions popped into my mind as I was journaling yesterday. What was I finding my satisfaction in? I honestly couldn't truly answer that question the way I wished I could have. A few hours later, I pulled out my bible study book from my Sunday night bible study. This weeks chapter is called "Faith in our Service." And I read this: 

"The service God is looking for from us is that which comes out of our relationship with Christ, not that which is a substitute for that relationship." -Bob Peterson

I am here, in Uganda, serving Christ. But am I making my service to Him my main focus. As important as that service is, God states so many times in scripture that what He wants is us. God wants me. I was trying to find my satisfaction in my service for God, not in God. It's hard. It's a fine line. We should be devoted to serving Him. We are often warned about finding our satisfaction in things other than God, but it's hard to figure out when you are replacing your relationship with Him, with your serving Him. Immediately this song popped into my head:

"Come all of you who are thirsty 

Come all of you who are thirsty
Come to well, drink from the river of life
Come all of you who are weary

Come all of you who are weary
Rest in his love, Safe in the arms of life

Only you completely satisfy 
Only you bring this heart of mine to life
In the shadow of your wings I find refuge, I find peace,
Only you completely satisfy!"

So, only God can satisfy me. Not just serving Him, not just loving these kids, not just going through the motions. But Him alone.