Word Vomit

I am constantly in awe, every day, of God. I’m sort of speechless as to how I explain His presence. Holy, holy, is He! The Lord God Almighty, who was and is, and is to come. He is the God of peace, joy, comfort, justice, security; He is the God of all. I can’t explain to you how much joy and beauty I am finding in the smallest things. Such as, listening to and singing along with my country music as the sun hits our faces and Joshie bobs his head up and down clapping his hands to the unfamiliar music. Or, Asani’s goodnight kisses in his hilarious pink cupcake pajama pants, as he treks through the kitchen searching for yummy “Auntie food.” And I know what you’re thinking, “What a cliché, girl-who-is-in-Africa thing to say,” but it is so true. The sheer joy, only God can unveil, is right before my eyes. Every day.

God has revealed some things to me in the last few days:

#1: He loves me. A simple fact that I often overlook. I wonder how I am going to leave my kids here that I have fallen so deeply in love with. I imagine going home, seeing my family, taking a hot shower, sleeping in my own bed, eating some cheese, drinking a diet coke, and then waking up a few mornings later freaking out. Wondering, why did I ever leave there? But… I have to come back to God. What does God want from me?

God wants me!

God wants me where ever I may be at that moment. Nothing stops when I go home. God stays the same. I can be in the relationship I am in with Him now, when I return to Asheville. God wants you. He is most concerned with His relationship with you, and a lot less about the way you do things or your plans. Every other aspect of living like Christ comes out of that relationship. So, I learn and rely upon God to strengthen my relationship with Him while I am back home, no different than Uganda. He doesn’t change.

#2: There is a little bit of anger, a little bit of jealousy, and a lot of hurt in my heart in the last month that I haven’t addressed. And honestly, it’s hurt I don’t think I am able to address here in Uganda. My life is so full, and busy, and joyful, and I don’t have time to process it. My return home will come with a lot of healing. I am trusting in the Lord to give me the strength to endure the hurt, and trusting in Him to heal it. Because, I know only He can. Only He can rid me of the anger and the jealousy. My flesh is not capable of letting things go and healing my heart on its own. Only God can. I trust the Lord to make these things new. I am trusting in Him to help me to forgive, and to love. Because the Lord says, “We know that we have passed from death to life, because we love our brothers. Anyone who does not love remains in death.” (John 3:14) I don’t want to be in death, I want to love. But not to love on the surface. I think sometimes we love on the surface, and we don’t even realize it. Sometimes there is so much junk underneath that we don’t know is there until it hits the surface one day. I want to love others, all the way through. To love deeply as God loves me. There is no greater love than that! It’s all coming together. I see the healing process every day here. I see once malnourished, beaten, neglected children learning to love again. And the love they give, oh my!  Have you ever been in a place and met children so beautifully intricate that they are an example to your deepest hurts? God has had such a way of showing me who heals, by placing the weakest of weak in Uganda into my life, and showing me how He heals even the deepest hurt!

The things I am typing are coming from my heart. Reading back on it, it all sort of sounds like word vomit, but what can I say? I am a scatter brained kind of person! I don’t usually publicize things so deep in my heart I hardly knew they were there, but I know that in my being vulnerable to whomever may read this, hopefully it will encourage you to start the journey of, letting go of anger, healing, forgiving, and learning to love more deeply!