The Blog I Don't Actually Want to Post

Being raw.

I think we like to say we do this, but do we?

Are we truly honest about our thoughts, our sins, our greatest joys?

I know I’m not.

I often think if I really mentioned the sin that wraps itself around my mind I might be shunned.

Dramatic? Maybe.

Or maybe not…

What if we were all raw? What if we confessed in all sincerity and cried out to The Lord for healing and reviving?

What if we did this together; as brothers and sisters.

I should be studying right now, but I feel this cloud lingering over my head. I feel burdened because of my sin, my neglect for His word in the last week. My dependence upon myself. I feel a  bitterness towards my imperfection. I’ve always been the girl who put success and perfection on a pedestal, whether I like admitting it or not.

Let’s be raw: I wanted to be seen.

Who doesn’t? Apart from my ridiculously humble and meek mother, I don’t really know anyone who doesn’t desire this or hasn’t at some point in their life.

The Lord broke the chains of this “need” of mine in my life two years ago. This need to be recognized, and ironically, recognized for my “humility”… funny right?

I love the Lord’s sense of humor; in that when I created this blog I named it “Liberated,” not knowing that’s exactly what He would do in my life in the years to come, liberate me from this trap of wanting to be recognized.

But today… this cloud lingers. Its satanic claws scratch its way into my mind; this idea of reaching perfection. I type this and I cringe. I don’t want earthly perfection. I don’t want what the world says I have to have and be to reach perfection.

Even worse, I realize I’m striving for personal holiness as my disguise for my striving for perfection. I’m striving for God to be seen in me, not for God. I don’t want to be in the picture. Yes, I want Christ to shine through me but not for the sake of me, for the sake of Him.

I’m sickened that I somehow, in my sinful nature, found a way to twist the glorification of Christ into something that has to do with me.

Oswald Chambers says this, “What shines forth and reveals God in your life is not your relative consistency to an idea of what a saint should be, but your genuine living relationship with Jesus Christ, and your unrestrained devotion to Him.”

I feel burdened tonight because I can’t do anything on my own and as a human in a fallen world, I so desperately try to do it on my own.

I try to be better when I've sinned, forgetting grace.

I try to be more humble, forgetting that I’m actually pretty prideful, and only He humbles.

I try to love better, forgetting that the times when I actually love people well, it’s Him, not me at all.

I try to share the gospel, forgetting that it’s the Holy Spirit who ultimately does all the work.

Trying is not the gospel. I didn't do anything nor could I do anything for my salvation. This is a faith that requires surrender. 

He is perfecting me so He can use me.

God, I cry out desperately to you.  Break me, cleanse me, humble me, root me in your doctrines of grace for no other purpose than Your Will.

Friends, can we please be raw? We aren't doing anyone any good by putting up a front of perfection. Let’s admit our brokenness so that through our weakness we might boast in His strength.

Honestly? Do I want to post this blog? No. But that’s my pride, my not wanting others to see my imperfection of desiring perfection. Funny again right? So, I’m fighting sin, with Satan behind me and letting The Lord use what the Devil meant for evil, hopefully for good. And thank you whomever is reading this for sitting in the pits of this sin with me for a little while, that God might use this, for Him. 

(also, side note: I just used the word "whomever"... and I'm clueless as to when you're actually supposed to use that word and how to use it.)

Also this is for the comic relief I needed after this blog post. This kid and his chicken, love him.