The Last Days

Love.

Love is a funny thing.

A beautiful thing.

An exciting thing.

A hard thing.

An intense thing.

Love covers a multitude of sins.

We love because Christ first loved us.

Love.

“Hey Rach, I love you.” (cue the infamous creepy Rachel stare) “Gwe, Rach, I love you,” (still doing to creepy Rachel stare) “Don’t smile Rach, don’t do it!” (makes her smile every time). She finally lost the creepy Rachel stare and smiled her beautiful smile! I said it again, “Rach, I love you!” and she replied in her totally adorable Rachel way, “Oh Auntie, I looooooooove you too!” I stood there as she stared up at me from her spot on the floor, and I realized how much I could miss just seeing her crawl through the house covered in rice and beans, heading towards the bathtub. She crawled on through. In that moment, all I could think was “Man, I love that girl.”

I've had quite a few of these moments in the last few weeks. More than likely they are growing more frequent because of the ticking of the clock in my head… “you have 11 days, 10 days, 9 days…” Honestly, honestly, as I just typed those last few words, I wanted to erase it, so maybe it wouldn't be true anymore. Maybe if I just pressed the backspace a few times it would all disappear. But it won’t. The other day I caught myself thinking back on the last five months of my life. What a journey! The first two and a half months, if I am being vulnerable and extremely honest, were not so much fun, and really hard. I missed home, I felt lonely, I couldn't feel God, I was scared, and I felt completely useless. Part of me wants to say I wish that wasn't true, I wish it had been perfect, just the way I had imagined. But then again, without the struggle, the feeling of everything being constantly stripped away from my life, I wouldn't understand God the way I understand Him now. I wouldn't know what it is like to rely on nothing, nothing, but the strength only He can supply. The second two and a half months are almost impossible to explain. The friendships I made the first half of my trip, deepened. They became more than just friends, but life-long friends and prayer partners. God gave me opportunities to immerse myself into the Ugandan culture (I’m basically African now, no big deal). I made connections with the kids I never knew was possible. I literally fell in love with them; every single one, in an all new way. Most importantly though, I learned (and am still learning every day) what it means to live a life that is more than myself, a life that cries out “Holy Holy is He!” and a life where my only purpose is to glorify Him in every single thing that I do. I have by no means perfected this (and of course I never will), if anything, I've realized how broken I am and how much I need Christ, every single day.

I’m slightly at a loss for words right now. And I probably will be whenever I’m asked by someone back home how my experience was. Hard, challenging, necessary, humbling, scary, blessed, precious, exciting, beautiful, smelly, hot, humid, prayer filled, poop filled, awesome. The list goes on.

I’m leaving here in 9 days and I can honestly say that I love these kids. It breaks my heart when I think to myself, “This might be the last time I get to hold Walter’s hand when I spray Hydrogen peroxide on his cuts, ever,” I hate it. I don’t like the “lasts” or even thinking about the “goodbyes.” I do know this, it’s just the end to a season in life, and while that brings sadness, and it’s okay to be sad for a bit, it’s exciting not to know what’s next. You know why? How much more can God do with a life surrendered to him that I haven’t clouded with my own plans and desires? If I fully trust Him, what’s to fear? (And if you live in Asheville and I’m crying to you a week after I get home about how much I miss my kiddos and how I don’t know what I am going to do with my life, remind me of this please!). Because he loves me. Inside and out. Fears and failures. Weaknesses and strengths. Happy emotions and sad emotions. He is above all. Period. End of story. Holy is He!

I have loved. I have seen love, and experienced love. These kids have taught me unconditional love. Pee, poop, timeouts, bad days, no makeup, sweat, tears, sickness, and all… we have loved each other. They have taught me, and showed me the unconditional love of our Savior. What an amazing truth, to know that God loves me a million times more than I could ever love these kids…? My mind just can’t comprehend it. 

Sam the Man

This is a relatively normal smile compared to the usual Jason smiles

Love him so much, especially these faces

Auntie lovin

Always soooo happy!

J and Amy

Me and the princess diva Debra