That One Prayer...

People don't get me. 

But I don't really get me either. 

Its frustrating. 

Ask me to describe myself and I can't. 

I think The Lord made me this way on purpose. Actually I know he did. If I understood myself, what my flesh wanted from this life, the ease would only be temporary and the joy not lasting. I think as Christians it's easy to say God satisfies, and He does, but have we truly searched Him, inside and out to experience this? 

I know it is truly God's work in my life, that everyday I long for something more. I long for more than the mundane and I long for more than even the exciting. I long for Christ. He doesn't allow other things to satisfy me so that I am drawn to Him. And I'm finding that giving up many of the things that temporarily satisfy, even an extra hour of sleep in the morning, pushes me closer to Him. Unlike many people I don't see value in many things. I'm kind of too logical. It can sometimes be a fault. But, I don't see the point in doing certain things or investing in things when they don't travel with you into eternity. Why do I need a new skirt if I already have one that's just fine. Now, I don't say this to be all high and mighty (trust me I struggle with plenty of different sins), but I say this because I strongly believe there isn't lasting joy in any of it. 

If you're a believer, and you truly believe that Christ is the only person that will shut that hole that you are always always always trying to fill, why do you keep grabbing onto those things? He satisfies.

Now let me rewind for a minute.

It was about 1:00 am. I'd crawled into bed about an hour before and my alarm would be going off at 4:45, less than four hours later. Sweat rolled down my flushed cheeks and my blood pressure was definitely high. I couldn't get comfortable. My shoulder muscles ached, my head was pounding. Anxiety. I'd never experienced anxiety like this before. Emotions and stress running through my blood at a million miles an hour. I couldn't make it stop, so it all came flooding in. Those lies. I'll never make it through nursing school, I'll never get married, I'll never live up to any potential overseas, I'll never be good at sharing the gospel. Woah, totally satan right? This is when The Lord intervened. I threw off my covers and did the only thing I knew to do. I got on my knees and cried out to the only one who can calm me. And it hit me... I remembered that one time I prayed that one prayer.... that one prayer. 

I prayed and truly meant: "God do whatever you want with me. I will go when you lead. I will give up anything and everything for your cause. God I'm all yours."

And that night, as I remembered that prayer I once prayed, it dawned on me. I never thought God would call me to do the small, hard things, I thought it would all be the big and extravagant things. 

This was God continuing to strip me down, to answer the prayer of "whatever you want Lord." God is stripping down the things that temporarily satisfied me so that I no longer even want them. All of this, the nursing school, the stress, the not being content, it's all Him. 

He says, "Josey, I want to lead you, in the big but also in the small. You can't give me your future without giving me your now, your every minute, your heart's desire."

God has made me not to like earthly things, because honestly, if I did, I might not seek Him. I might just revel in the momentary happiness of a full wallet and fun friends. It's more often harder than not, but I'm taking up my cross. I want more than this world has to offer and I'm willing to do the small hard things if it means knowing more of Him. 

It's not easy, and I don't suspect it ever will be, but I know it is so WORTH IT. 

This "me not getting myself" is God telling me stop searching for answers about myself, but start searching for answers in who He is, because He is in me. Praise Him for his grace that's abundant in my sins of anxiousness and Praise Him for pushing my feet out into waves where I have to trust Him. 

"I lose my ability to be afraid when I see the way you love me, all the fears that held my feet to the floor, it don't hold me anymore. When I see your face everything changes and the radiance of your smile, you've got this way of chasing away those shadows that hang around. And I fall down again, finding out who I am. I lose my ability to be afraid when I hear you say my name, all the voices that once filled my head, they're gone when you sing." 

-Lose my Ability by Cageless Birds