A Whole LOT Less
I wake up everyday, wanting to be full. Full of Christ. My chest physically aches some days at the thought of seeing Him face to face one day. My mind wonders, mostly at the most inconvenient times. I dream of the unknown waters of the Nile flowing by me on the emotionally exhausting days and the joyful days. My stomach twists when I remember sliding a coin into those dirty little hungry hands in exchange for a piece of Mandazi. If I sit really still I can almost feel the wind rushing by me on the back of a boda boda. I like to close my eyes and take myself to the highest peak of that volcano at 11,000 feet and see the vast rift valley, all over again. Tears form in the corners of my eyes, sitting on the edge, daring to spill over when I think of being somewhere overseas, somewhere rocking a child who needs His love more than I need to study; somewhere, anywhere overseas.
It's perplexed me lately. A question I get asked a lot is one along these lines: "Josey, I know you loved the kids but your experience overseas was really hard right? Why on earth do you want to go back?"
Good question. And when this question really started to sink in, I honestly couldn't answer. Why do I want to go back overseas so much? Why do I ache and long sometimes, to the point of tears, to be back where life was the hardest?
I still don't really have a solid answer. But I do know this: It's all because of Jesus. Here, in America, I don't fit in. On the outside I see it, you see it, sometimes I even feel it, and then God simply humbles me again, and reminds me where He has called me: the nations. Thinking of settling down and raising a family does not appeal to me, nor do I feel it's God's purpose for my life. Now is my perception of that subject to change? Definitely. Does that mean I don't want to get married and possibly have kids? Of course not. But right now I can't help but to want more of Jesus. I can't help but to crave Him. I can't help but to remember how desperate I was for Him when I was overseas.
And when I've been there, I've never been more desperate for Jesus. And it's a desperation that's growing here too thankfully. I recall the nights of no sleep, crying into the pages of my Bible, calling out "Holy, Holy," because no other words would come. Homesickness, death, helplessness, feelings of inadequacy, and heartbreak left me physically needing my heavenly daddy. What's more beautiful and wholly satisfying than reaching the point of "less of me" and being filled every second with "more of Him"?
THIS IS WHAT I LONG FOR.
I don't want any more of me. I'm selfish, and obsessive. I'm horrifyingly imperfect and inadequate. I'm sinful, constantly. I flee from Him over and over even when I don't realize it, just as Gomer did to Hosea. But He still has grace on me. Its abounding, and I'm thankful.
HE MAKES MY LIFE HAVE WORTH.
Everyday I'm uncomfortable in nursing school, and it's freaking hard. But isn't this what I long for overseas? I love the desperation. Don't get me wrong, when I'm in it, I probably wouldn't voluntarily ask for more hard times. But, hindsight's 20/20 right?
I LOVE REACHING THAT POINT OF TOTAL DEPENDENCE UPON GOD. THAT POINT OF "THERE IS NO WAY THIS WILL HAPPEN WITHOUT YOU LORD!"
How is our faith ever tested if we don't individually reach this at some point in our lives?
And honestly, are we praying big enough prayers for this mentality to be the only mentality? Are we asking God to do such big things that if He doesn't show up in a radical way it will never happen and we will lose everything? I'm convicted right now. Am I less dependent upon God here, because I've left everything in this cute little American bubble where I don't even believe God could do a miracle right here, right now? And so I pray for big things. I pray for big things and I find joy and peace in praying for the places where I can't be. Guatemala, Kenya, Egypt, Ireland, Uganda, Philippines, Peru, Brazil. I pray for them and trust that God can perform miracles and start revivals in those places.
So God, make LESS OF ME PLEASE AND SO SO SO MUCH MORE OF YOU.
It's perplexed me lately. A question I get asked a lot is one along these lines: "Josey, I know you loved the kids but your experience overseas was really hard right? Why on earth do you want to go back?"
Good question. And when this question really started to sink in, I honestly couldn't answer. Why do I want to go back overseas so much? Why do I ache and long sometimes, to the point of tears, to be back where life was the hardest?
I still don't really have a solid answer. But I do know this: It's all because of Jesus. Here, in America, I don't fit in. On the outside I see it, you see it, sometimes I even feel it, and then God simply humbles me again, and reminds me where He has called me: the nations. Thinking of settling down and raising a family does not appeal to me, nor do I feel it's God's purpose for my life. Now is my perception of that subject to change? Definitely. Does that mean I don't want to get married and possibly have kids? Of course not. But right now I can't help but to want more of Jesus. I can't help but to crave Him. I can't help but to remember how desperate I was for Him when I was overseas.
And when I've been there, I've never been more desperate for Jesus. And it's a desperation that's growing here too thankfully. I recall the nights of no sleep, crying into the pages of my Bible, calling out "Holy, Holy," because no other words would come. Homesickness, death, helplessness, feelings of inadequacy, and heartbreak left me physically needing my heavenly daddy. What's more beautiful and wholly satisfying than reaching the point of "less of me" and being filled every second with "more of Him"?
THIS IS WHAT I LONG FOR.
I don't want any more of me. I'm selfish, and obsessive. I'm horrifyingly imperfect and inadequate. I'm sinful, constantly. I flee from Him over and over even when I don't realize it, just as Gomer did to Hosea. But He still has grace on me. Its abounding, and I'm thankful.
HE MAKES MY LIFE HAVE WORTH.
Everyday I'm uncomfortable in nursing school, and it's freaking hard. But isn't this what I long for overseas? I love the desperation. Don't get me wrong, when I'm in it, I probably wouldn't voluntarily ask for more hard times. But, hindsight's 20/20 right?
I LOVE REACHING THAT POINT OF TOTAL DEPENDENCE UPON GOD. THAT POINT OF "THERE IS NO WAY THIS WILL HAPPEN WITHOUT YOU LORD!"
How is our faith ever tested if we don't individually reach this at some point in our lives?
And honestly, are we praying big enough prayers for this mentality to be the only mentality? Are we asking God to do such big things that if He doesn't show up in a radical way it will never happen and we will lose everything? I'm convicted right now. Am I less dependent upon God here, because I've left everything in this cute little American bubble where I don't even believe God could do a miracle right here, right now? And so I pray for big things. I pray for big things and I find joy and peace in praying for the places where I can't be. Guatemala, Kenya, Egypt, Ireland, Uganda, Philippines, Peru, Brazil. I pray for them and trust that God can perform miracles and start revivals in those places.
So God, make LESS OF ME PLEASE AND SO SO SO MUCH MORE OF YOU.
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