Dry Eyes
I want to start this blog by saying this: My primary reason for sharing my heart through this blog is to encourage others in their walk with Christ and to glorify Him with my words and honesty. I like to share such intimate details and a close look into my heart because I can only hope that someone can relate. Even if my words aren't encouragement, I hope just knowing that you aren't alone in the beauty and the struggles of this world is enough encouragement.
First of all, I have to brag on God. What an amazing God we have. The fact that His beauty and power is beyond what any language on earth can communicate baffles me every single day. As many of you know I have been home for over two months now and just in those short brief months God has pushed me and expanded my faith beyond what I would have ever guessed. These months were a time of relaxing, adjusting, deciding, and healing for me. I would start to feel like the memories of death were fading to be less intense and emotional until all of a sudden it would just hit again. Like a giant wave, pushing me to where I couldn't take a breath and understand why I felt the way I did. Death has a way of toying with you. Death allows us to see beyond life but also allows us to see the beauty of it. You all know me, and you know I mean this in the best way possible, because part of my heart still rests in Africa but Africa will mess you up. If you've ever been there, you most likely understand that statement and can identify with it. Not only Africa, but any suffering, third world country. It will mess you up. My emotions will never be the same. I have to fight back tears when I sleep on white sheets because it reminds me of her death, I have to fight back tears when it rains because it reminds me of the joyous dancing-in-the-rain parties we had, I have to fight back tears when I pass waffle house because it reminds me of him, I have to fight back tears when I come across the humor section of Pinterest because it reminds me of the nights my roommates and I would laugh for hours at something that wasn't even funny. Like really people... who cries when they're on Pinterest?
The other day I crossed a bridge that may seem small, but it was oh so significant. There is one song I listened to at least five times a day for the entire first month I was home. The song is called, "Not for a Moment" by Meredith Andrews. It speaks such truth about how God is constant, and never changes even when we struggle. If you've never heard it, stop reading and youtube that gem, its good. Anyways, it began to bring tears to my eyes every time I heard it. I think part of it was tears of sorrow, but I think the majority of the tears were tears of joy. Joy because God is everlasting, never changing, even when I am. So... back to the bridge. We sang this song at church during a college gathering little over a week ago and I was expecting the floodgates as usual. But they didn't come. I even touched my eyes with my hand because I couldn't believe it was happening. Nothing. Dry eyes. I sat down in my chair and realized why the tears weren't coming. I realized at that very moment I had yet to be able to thank God for the struggles I had been through. Obviously I had thanked God a million times and more for the joy my experience in Uganda brought me. I still do every day when I picture the faces of those sweet, beautiful children that will forever be in my heart. At that moment in church, I found myself in awe of God. Not one thing had changed, I still hurt from the hard memories and still didn't understand why somethings happened, but I was truly and honestly, from the bottom of my heart,able to say, "Thank you God."
I've realized part of healing is not me feeling better, but my ability the thank God when my circumstances haven't changed. WOAH.
Through this new understanding I've learned and I've been convicted of something else. We as humans are so good at limiting our view of God by our circumstances and by how we feel. And I hate to break it to you, but our life on earth isn't about us. Yeah, seriously, it's not about you. It's about God, and the gospel. It's about spreading the news of Christ to those who have never heard. And not only that, but making disciples out of those people so that they can turn around and make more disciples. What did Jesus do? Make disciples. You see? I have had to pray a whole lot lately for God to change my mindset. I so often wonder, "Okay, what can I learn from this? What does this mean for me? What did I do wrong?" The problem with all that? Those are all questions about me. God is much more important. Yes, He loves me but God doesn't need me, I need Him. Therefore, my life will be spent earnestly seeking Him and His will and seeing the bigger picture that I sometimes let get blurry because of my own problems. And during a time of hardship, as I attempt to the best of my ability to keep my eyes on Jesus, glorifying Him, and making disciples, I know He will be working a miracle I am yet to see. (Read John 16:33 if you don't already know it, it' a good one to keep in your heart).
I don't underestimate the hurt this world can cause. I've seen some of it. But I do want to encourage you to try and move to that place in whatever is happening in your life where you can honestly say, "Thank you God." Because He is constant even when our circumstances don't seem to be changing the way we want them to. So when you have a bad moment, day, week, or month, remember even in the midst of it all He is working for your good.
I want to finish with this excerpt from the book of one of my favorite authors, Angie Smith. It's long, but definitely worth your time:
First of all, I have to brag on God. What an amazing God we have. The fact that His beauty and power is beyond what any language on earth can communicate baffles me every single day. As many of you know I have been home for over two months now and just in those short brief months God has pushed me and expanded my faith beyond what I would have ever guessed. These months were a time of relaxing, adjusting, deciding, and healing for me. I would start to feel like the memories of death were fading to be less intense and emotional until all of a sudden it would just hit again. Like a giant wave, pushing me to where I couldn't take a breath and understand why I felt the way I did. Death has a way of toying with you. Death allows us to see beyond life but also allows us to see the beauty of it. You all know me, and you know I mean this in the best way possible, because part of my heart still rests in Africa but Africa will mess you up. If you've ever been there, you most likely understand that statement and can identify with it. Not only Africa, but any suffering, third world country. It will mess you up. My emotions will never be the same. I have to fight back tears when I sleep on white sheets because it reminds me of her death, I have to fight back tears when it rains because it reminds me of the joyous dancing-in-the-rain parties we had, I have to fight back tears when I pass waffle house because it reminds me of him, I have to fight back tears when I come across the humor section of Pinterest because it reminds me of the nights my roommates and I would laugh for hours at something that wasn't even funny. Like really people... who cries when they're on Pinterest?
The other day I crossed a bridge that may seem small, but it was oh so significant. There is one song I listened to at least five times a day for the entire first month I was home. The song is called, "Not for a Moment" by Meredith Andrews. It speaks such truth about how God is constant, and never changes even when we struggle. If you've never heard it, stop reading and youtube that gem, its good. Anyways, it began to bring tears to my eyes every time I heard it. I think part of it was tears of sorrow, but I think the majority of the tears were tears of joy. Joy because God is everlasting, never changing, even when I am. So... back to the bridge. We sang this song at church during a college gathering little over a week ago and I was expecting the floodgates as usual. But they didn't come. I even touched my eyes with my hand because I couldn't believe it was happening. Nothing. Dry eyes. I sat down in my chair and realized why the tears weren't coming. I realized at that very moment I had yet to be able to thank God for the struggles I had been through. Obviously I had thanked God a million times and more for the joy my experience in Uganda brought me. I still do every day when I picture the faces of those sweet, beautiful children that will forever be in my heart. At that moment in church, I found myself in awe of God. Not one thing had changed, I still hurt from the hard memories and still didn't understand why somethings happened, but I was truly and honestly, from the bottom of my heart,able to say, "Thank you God."
I've realized part of healing is not me feeling better, but my ability the thank God when my circumstances haven't changed. WOAH.
Through this new understanding I've learned and I've been convicted of something else. We as humans are so good at limiting our view of God by our circumstances and by how we feel. And I hate to break it to you, but our life on earth isn't about us. Yeah, seriously, it's not about you. It's about God, and the gospel. It's about spreading the news of Christ to those who have never heard. And not only that, but making disciples out of those people so that they can turn around and make more disciples. What did Jesus do? Make disciples. You see? I have had to pray a whole lot lately for God to change my mindset. I so often wonder, "Okay, what can I learn from this? What does this mean for me? What did I do wrong?" The problem with all that? Those are all questions about me. God is much more important. Yes, He loves me but God doesn't need me, I need Him. Therefore, my life will be spent earnestly seeking Him and His will and seeing the bigger picture that I sometimes let get blurry because of my own problems. And during a time of hardship, as I attempt to the best of my ability to keep my eyes on Jesus, glorifying Him, and making disciples, I know He will be working a miracle I am yet to see. (Read John 16:33 if you don't already know it, it' a good one to keep in your heart).
I don't underestimate the hurt this world can cause. I've seen some of it. But I do want to encourage you to try and move to that place in whatever is happening in your life where you can honestly say, "Thank you God." Because He is constant even when our circumstances don't seem to be changing the way we want them to. So when you have a bad moment, day, week, or month, remember even in the midst of it all He is working for your good.
I want to finish with this excerpt from the book of one of my favorite authors, Angie Smith. It's long, but definitely worth your time:
"But here's what I think is so very interesting..... We don't know exactly when He actually rose from the dead. We don't know what happened in that dark tomb between Jesus and His Father. We haven't been given a visual for the exact moment of ressurection, other than the report that He arranged His linens neatly before He left- which I think is polite of a man who just woke up from death. At some point in time, perhaps in the dark of night, within that sealed tomb, a miracle happened. A secret. A beautiful truth His followers wouldn't be privy to until the next day.
Eventually, yes, they would realize the miracle. He would appear and they would believe, He would ask for something to eat, Thomas would touch his wounds, and everyone would reach consensus that He had actually done what He said He'd do. But not before there had been a gap of time between the miracle itself and the moment when they were finally able to see the evidence of it. A gap between death and new life.
And it struck me how, in a sense, we are living in that moment today. We are weeping in our homes, crying by and empty tomb, begging to see that we haven't been duped, that He isn't going to leave us to face the fact that it might have all been a hoax. We walk side-by-side with Him on the road to Emmaus, not knowing that He walks alongside us, unaware that the footsteps of the Holy are even now being imprinted next to ours."
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| And of course I had to add a photo of God showing off one morning in Uganda. :) |
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